Rainbow Smile

When I attended my Uncle Don's funeral I heard several relatives say that I looked just like my mom. Aunt Ruth told me that she always tries to be like my mom. I thought more about Mom that weekend, after being with extended family that I don't see often, including my dad who travelled down from Washington state. I found myself asking, "What would Mom think of me now?" It was with a self-defeated tone that I reflected on this. You see, I'm ashamed of myself. After getting our foster girls back, and after a surgery and some hormonal imbalances, I became a yeller. Sometimes, I would get so mad at their bad behavior that I would act badly. Somehow I justified my actions which opened the door to repeating them.  

I don't remember my mom yelling at me. I know at times I got the silent treatment but no anger-spurting, ugly yelling. Sunday night when I prayed, I was still thinking about my mom. I asked that she could, in spirit, help my brother, who I was concerned about. Then I went to bed.

Monday afternoon I paused from my chores because the girls asked me to step outside to see their concert. I sat on the bench and watched Lily playing a guitar (a plastic rake from their sandbox), our friend, Mateah, beating on her drums (two little step-up stools) and Natasha playing on her little electric kitty piano.  I was amused. Then I looked up. In the southern sky there was an amazing rainbow smile.  I don't know that I've ever seen one of these in my whole lifetime!


Whenever I see a rainbow, the words come to my mind from the song my mom picked for her funeral. (Click here to see a youtube video of it)  "I'll build you a rainbow, way up high above, send down a sunbeam, all plumb full of love, sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops of joy, I'll be happy in heaven, watching over my boy girl." That's what I sing when I see a rainbow. 



It later occurred to me what day it was. May 19th, my mom's birthday. 

Sitting there on the front porch, watching my little girls in their dress-up clothes performing for me, with the rainbow smile above their little heads, left me feeling different inside.

This morning I came across this scripture..."this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

The first thing that impressed me is 'forgetting those things which are behind me' (break out into singing Let It Go!)  Yelling is behind me. I also considered specific ways to 'reach forth' and 'press toward the mark'. Lastly, I thought of what my high calling is. Another song that my mom picked for her funeral is called "The Noblest Call" by Deanna Edwards.  It is worth your time to listen to this beautiful song.

(click here to listen to the song)

Something tells me that it wasn't a coincidence that the girls called me outside on my mom's birthday in time to see the rainbow smile.  Rainbows are fleeting, just like life.

The Gift of Music

April 27, 2014

When I saw that stake conference was to be on Josh's birthday, I immediately thought of what hymn to have sung when the congregation stood.  "Rejoice, the Lord is King!"  It is a hymn that Josh gave to me (click here to read about the experience).  I found myself wondering as conference got closer if it was right for me to be self-indulgent; perhaps there was a better hymn for stake conference. I googled stake conference hymns and the first website I clicked on listed the music program for a stake conference and the first hymn listed for their conference was "Rejoice, the Lord is King!"  That blew me away and convinced me that it was okay to have us sing Josh's hymn on his birthday.

Josh was excited that I made ice cream cakes for his 11th birthday party.

This morning a string quartet accompanied the congregation as my friend, Sandy, and I joined in playing a 4-hand piano arrangement that I wrote that almost spanned all 88 keys on the piano! Josh gave me the hymn to arrange the week of my birthday five years ago. Today, I was thinking, "Right back atcha buddy!"

As I drove away from stake conference, the first song on the radio (Sounds of Sunday) was a tender mercy in itself. I don't know what it is called, but it ended with the words, "I'll send my love from the other side."  It was like getting a hug from Josh.

We're heading up to the cemetery. The girls want to leave a gift for Josh. Karina is writing a little note for him and putting it in an easter egg. Liliana is picking him a tulip. I asked Natasha what gift she could give him and she offered sweetly, "I could sing for him." 

*Update: Well, Lily chose a daffodil instead of a tulip because she said that Josh is a boy and probably wouldn't want a pink flower. The solo Natasha sang with all her heart was "This could be the start of something new, It feels so right to be here with you..." And Nathan came too. He brought Josh's viola and amazed me by playing a few songs by ear, even "Hey, There Delilah." That's a song I was teaching Josh on the guitar before he passed away. It's been a good day.