JOURNAL ENTRY of our first anniversary of Josh's passing, March 2009:
"Tuesday night Enos came to bed around . I had been in our room, crying until my tear tank was empty. It was a rougher night than I expected. I think I got to sleep before but then I woke up believing that I heard Nathan crying. But as I laid there listening, there was no sound. I decided to check on him anyway. I’m glad I did. He was wide awake. I climbed in bed with him and we talked and cried for an hour and a half. I tickled his back and we talked about memories of Josh. One thing new I learned is that he and Josh used to play cell phone hide and seek. They would text each other clues and they could only tell lies on 3 of the 5 clues. :)
|Nate & Josh at California Adventure 2007|
|Survived Tower of Terror Together 2007|
(Journal Entry continues:) On Wednesday, Josh's day, we were hoping to buy a dog. Instead we visited Marilee and took home lots of dog hair. We learned about golden retrievers though. I didn't care to have dogs all over me, with bad breath, heavy paws, and slobbery mouths, but this isn’t about me.
|1st anniversary of Josh's passing, 2009|
One meaningful thing on our list for today was to finish reading the Book of Mormon. We read the last verse together out loud. I was fighting tears.
Before we went to bed, we hooked up the camcorder and played back old home videos. We watched the one where Josh was a newborn through his toddler years. I can’t express the pain to see the baby I carried and gave birth to and nursed and held and loved and played with and taught and enjoyed all through the years and then not see him here where it feels like he belongs. Sometimes it hits me so hard. Where is Josh? I just miss him. I will never get tired of looking at pictures of him.
On Thursday I made it to the temple. While in the Celestial room, I wanted so much to have a spiritual experience where I could see Josh as he is now or know what he is doing specifically. I waited and hoped but nothing miraculous happened. I felt discouraged but then in my mind I heard four little words, “I love you, Mom.”
|Bringing Brody Home|
|Cody & Brody|
|Master & Mutt :)|
Every year since, we have taken off work and school on Josh's day and have made new family memories. Adding Brody to our family has done wonders for Enos and the boys. Brody doesn't do much for me, but it's not about me.
Imagine receiving three foster daughters into your home who were missing their puppies so much. At their biological dad's house, they each had their own chihuahua. Often at visits, the dad would bring the puppies for the girls to play with. So, one day I told them that I understood that if we adopted them, we would need to get them a puppy. After the adoption, I acknowledged it was time to 'bite the bullet'. I started praying to find the best one for the girls, just as I had prayed to find the right dog for the boys five years ago. One morning as I again began typing 'chihuahua' into the search for dogs on KSL classifieds, the spirit told me not to. So I didn't. I just scanned down through all dogs recently listed. There was Oreo listed as a chiweenie. I'm still not a dog lover. But then again, it's not about me.
|Karina & Oreo|
|Natasha & Oreo|